I am taking solace in filming. Writing is my first love but I became too lazy to write shit down. I thought I could record my thoughts and sort them out later but then it became more about remembering.
Sometimes I look back at it all and feel like some kind of character living vicariously through myself. Sometimes I watch back on myself and think damn girl, take off all that makeup. Okay, Jesus Christ; put it back on, at least some of it. Really after this shit happened to me I thought, I really want to write a book. Then I was like, I’m sad and I don't fucking feel like it. But I feel like I owe to myself to see how it is to act as though I am in control in an uncontrollable world. It gives me a bit of an excuse to be whoever it is that I want to be right now. Like I'm an artist, fuck you. Whatever I say, whatever I do, whatever I feel is exactly who I am right this very second. Our selves are ever changing, there's beauty in the change even if it's ugly. If I leave myself open for that change to flow freely I'm always prepared for what happens next.
People ask me what it's supposed to be about; if I'm trying to make some kind of spectacle of myself. If I want to go "viral" (which sounds far too much like "virus" to make me feel comfortable with it). I can't pump my shit, I’m fine on camera but I can't blatantly be like hey look at me. I'd feel like some kind of an asshole then, although plenty of people are successful doing exactly what I'm doing. Nothing, and filming it. It's not up to you to get, but to answer your question the thought of a million people watching me talk to myself makes me want to climb up a tree and not come back down. Mostly I'm entertaining my older self, more than anything else. I think I’m funny, I’ll think I’m even funnier later. So why do I publicize a lot of it? Maybe to say that it's all important, even the stuff that seems unimportant. People think it’s weird that I allow myself to cry, I think it’s weird that they don’t. I just want to remember the way I felt.
It's been a ride and sometimes I'm not sure how I survived or what survival means, if its always fight or flight. I’ll do anything but I’ll scare the shit out of myself. Like, I’m brave but I’m skittish. If anything ever happens to me don’t let anyone go free for all on my archives, playing it at my funeral or some shit or selling it on internet. Set my laptop up in flames. Somebody do Jimi Hendrix's version of Star Spangled Banner. I'd appreciate it.
Sometimes I’m like, there’s no way i can keep this shit up. But then, things keep happening. I psych myself out when I compare myself to my peers. I mean, we all put our pants on one leg at a time but it takes some of us longer to getting around to putting on pants. I'm still functional, just not in the same capacity as everyone else. When doing unorthodox things you must take unorthodox measures. I don't know if I am looking for muses or amusement. For a single purpose or just a sense being. To be at peace with the fluidity. Like a river, not like a waterfall; rocks to crash into all the way down.
When I was getting married my mama told me that I would be a great matriarch. Do I have to be married to be a matriarch? Today marks one year since his proposal. Everyone says I'll find someone else, but I really just want to find me.
